Making a Friend For Dummies (Quick n Easy Edition)
by KisaHinaYoungwon
Summary: Making a friend becomes as simple as ABC with the 'Quick n Easy' Edition of 'Making a Friend for Dummies! 7 days is all you need! For a short period of time, the guide comes with a free booklet containing the story of successful best friends Yukinokouji Nobara and Sorinozuka Renshou! Quick, grab a copy! Disclaimer: This guide does not guarantee a 100% success rate.
1. Day 1

**To make an enduring first impression, a firm handshake will suffice.**

"I'm Sorinozuka Renshou, an ittan-momen youkai."

Most would advocate the saying to 'never judge a book by its cover', and Nobara was no different. She was, after all, concealing a chilly secret that would scare the hell out of ordinary humans.

The man boy who stood before her, however, instigated irritation that wiped out any sense of righteousness she had prior.

Overgrown locks framed his mature features, a black streak of some sort hidden behind the unkempt drapes. The lopsided grin which accompanied his half-assed attitude, too, provoked an urge to clobber him into rubbles.

"We'll be living in this hell hole for a week, so let's be friends. I'll treat you to some food."

Bribing her with food?

She scoffed.

A princess like her needn't be a gorged dog for a lowly peasant like him.

He was a man, no less, through and through born of the male species.

"I'm Yukinokouji Nobara."

She accepted his scrawny outreached limb with a firm grasp.

"Your name sounds oddly familiar... What kind of youkai are you?"

"A yuki-onna."

With that, she clamped onto his unsuspecting hand and froze it. He pulled back immediately, wiggling the frigid hand.

"Hey! What was that for?!"

Nobara smirked, "You wanted to be friends; I merely showed you the colder side of me."

"Oi, ice princess! Don't just leave. What am I supposed to do with my hand?"

"If you're lucky, the ice might melt within an hour's time."

"You don't know?!"

"Make sure you don't hit it against something hard. The ice might shatter along with your hand."

Renshou gasped, "Wait, what?!"

"Hope you like your little 'gift'."

"Nobara!"

"The deal's still on, right? I'll be looking forward to lunch! See you there, friend~"

Renshou sighed.

At least Ririchiyo didn't physically disable him on their first meeting.


	2. Day 2

**Remember: sharing is caring. Offer your companion a snack. Even if it's just a strip of gum, you might make their day!**

"Hey, mind if I sit with you?"

She groaned.

"Old man, are you senile or plain stupid? That whole 'bitch' facade was meant to shoo pests like you into a faraway land, not invite nasty perverts for a tea party."

Renshou slipped into the opposite seat regardless, hastily plopping his food tray in the process. The playful half-smirk from yesterday danced across his features, though today it seemed a tad bit... off.

"So yesterday was just an act?" he chuckled. "I knew you weren't all that bad, ice princess. It's safe to assume that you're warming up to the place?"

Nobara scowled, "None of your business, peasant."

"Yeah, I guess so."

She waited for a retort of some sort, a look that would trigger her violent aggression, but there was none. Instead, he munched on the cafeteria veggies silently, boring holes into the mahogany table.

"Hey, pimp." She called out tentatively. "Did someone flush your pet frog down the drain or something? You look like hell."

He snapped out of his reverie, "What?"

"Your slovenly face resembles shit. What's wrong?"

Renshou blinked.

Once.

Twice.

"Are you... is this..." he cracked a grin. "I thought you didn't give a rat's ass about whatever happens to me?"

Pushing his half-eaten meal aside, he popped a strip of gum into his mouth and began chewing.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, airhead. I merely wanted to know the secret to sewing your mouth shut."

He laughed, "Sorry, was I being out of character?"

"Super-duper-creepily-weird-out-of-character," she agreed. "Never pull the long face ever again. Dia would've been proud of you, though."

"Dia?"

"My horse, or pony, or pony-horse, or horseny?" Nobara puckered her lips. "I can't really tell... they're pretty much all the same to me."

"Are you sure you're not an imposter?" Renshou wiggled his eyebrows. "A lady from the Yukinokouji Household wouldn't get easy-peasy general knowledge mixed up."

"You're waaaay more suspicious than I am!" she yelled indignantly. "A member of the Sorinozuka Household would never showcase themselves with such a floppy appearance!"

"Excuuuuse me, but OUCH-"

Just then, a certain little girl's fist collided with the back of Renshou's head, causing the ittan-momen to accidentally spit out his chewing gum, which in turn sent the sticky piece flying forward at full force.

"Ririchiyo! What the-"

"REPULSIVE MONSTER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

He gulped, sensing pure wickedness emanating from behind. Reluctantly, he confronted the source of the voice.

"...Nobara?"

Sure enough, buried within her thick pristine locks, Renshou's chewing gum secured a place of its own. The icky bit sat safely and motionless, staring back at its owner as if to mock him.

Nervously biting on his lower lip, Renshou spoke.

"Gum, anyone?"


	3. Day 3

**A soothing ambience eases all unneeded tension and wills the awkwardness away.**

"What is the meaning of this, you flying floor mat?"

Amongst the greenery, flowers of all kind swayed gently in the spring air, brilliant splashes of colour contrasting the plain leaves. The beautiful scene seemed endless, stretching over and above the gradual slopes, wandering into the marigold horizons. It was a sight to behold, truly, a fact even Nobara couldn't deny.

"Contrary to what it looks like, I'm not trying to court you or anything, so don't get the wrong idea."

"I'll tell you now, before you think of me getting the wrong idea as a sign to get the wrong idea, that I have not the slightest of attraction to the male species. Zero percent. Negative. Nada. No. Ew, if you can't get it into your thick head."

"I think I got it."

"Good. So what's all this?"

"They're flowers."

"I can see that, yes, but why did you bring me here?"

"You don't like it?" Renshou asked, disappointment evidently laced in his voice.

"No!"

"I see... so flowers ain't your thing, huh?"

"Yes!" Nobara shook her head violently. "I mean, no!"

"Wait," Renshou scratched the back of his head. "Do you mean 'no' as in 'no, I hate flowers' or 'no, flowers are my thing'?"

"The second one," she confirmed.

"So you like flowers?"

"Oh my gosh, you thick-headed nincompoop! Do I _really_ have to spell it out for you?" she waved her fist in frustration. "I _like_ the flowers! They're _beautiful_!"

"You should've said so from the start, Nobara-chan." Renshou playfully rolled his eyes. "It would've saved us all the trouble."

"Your incompetency in Japanese was the problem, really." She huffed. "Now, answer the damned question!"

"What question?"

"The first one."

"But I answered it already."

The need to senselessly pummel Renshou into dust intensified drastically, and she face-palmed. With divine anger control, Nobara spoke through gritted teeth, "Why did you bring me here? Why get me to watch the flowers? Why'd we travel out to the middle of nowhere?"

"It's an apology." He replied casually.

" _What_?"

"For getting gum in your hair, you know, during yesterday's lunch." He shrugged. "Ririchiyo told me that you might have to chop off quite some hair cause gum doesn't fall off too easily."

"Wow," was all Nobara could manage. Dumb stricken, she patted Renshou on the shoulder. "Thanks, but you really didn't have to."

"Nah, I wanted to," he grinned. "It was the only thing I could do for you."

"You're a fool for wasting a present like this on someone like me, you know?"

"Wasting?"

"Yeah," Nobara looked away, a solemn smile gracing her lips. "These are the memories you cherish with the one you love, not just anybody on the road you feel sorry for."

"But you're not just an 'anybody on the road' to me. I met you a few days ago."

"It's a metaphor, you idiot."

"No, you're the idiot, Nobara. We introduced ourselves and even shook hands. We had a small 'discussion' over lunch. You used your ice princess powers to freeze my hand, and I spat gum on your hair." Renshou frowned, an expression Nobara thought unfitting of him. He was better suited with the sleazy grins he had on twenty-four seven.

"Tell me, is watching the sunset together really such a waste of your time? Because," Renshou stared her straight in the eye. " _I_ don't think it's a waste of _my_ time at all. Zero percent. Negative. Nada. No. Ew, if you can't get it into your thick head."

"Hey! That isn't even relevant in this context!"

"So?" Renshou ignored her comment. "Is it a waste?"

She couldn't say anything, not when the nitwit phrased it to render her speechless. Giving in, she heaved a sigh, "I still think it would've been better if you went with someone special, you know?"

"You _are_ someone special."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Did you hear that?"

"I heard nothing."

"No! Listen, you pig! That buzzing sound, what is it?"

"Buzzing sound? I can't-" From his peripheral vision, Renshou caught movement and paused mid-section. "Erm... Nobara?"

"Shut up, I'm trying to listen."

"Just... calm down and don't look down, Nobara."

"Why?" she grimaced. "Stop trying to scar- OH CRAP WHAT THE HECK ARE THESE THINGS?!"

"Wasps... I think..."

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT. GET IT OFF ME RIGHT NOW."

"Okay, listen to me carefully, Nobara..."

"WHAT ELSE AM I DOING?! HURRY."

"On the count of three, we're going to run towards the car as fast as possible."

"THEY'RE TOO CLOSE, TOO CLOSE."

"1..."

"THE CRETINS ARE CREEPING."

"2..."

"FASTER, FASTER."

"3!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE."


	4. Day 4

**Communication is vital. Always keep in mind that traffic only flows smoothly when both sides work in tow.**

"Get out of my face, you dip shit."

Nobara had been stagnant the entire morning, lingering in the most unexpected places, walking only in the shadows and avoiding face-to-face contact with any of the residents. Renshou hadn't seen a glimpse of her since yesterday night, and knew that the lady was craving her routine morning coffee. Worried, he saved her an Americano and went searching for the ice princess. It took all hour to find her in the relatively large building.

"Nobara, what are you doing here?"

She looked awfully uncomfortable in the tiny janitor's closet. Her voluptuous frame pressed against the four cemented walls with little room to breathe, and every measly movement collided with the cleaning equipment. Typically, Renshou would've been laughing at her pain, but her dejected expression told him otherwise.

"Don't make me repeat myself, bastard! I don't want to see you right now!" Nobara darted out for the doorknob, but Renshou was quicker, jamming a foot in to prevent the door from slamming shut.

"Oi, my foot is aching. Let go."

"Go away!"

He wouldn't last long, that's for sure. Nobara's inhumane strength was crushing his bones. He was surprised to have survived the initial clamp.

"Nobara-chan, I'm coming in."

He pried open the door, easily beating her resistance with his strength. Working out apparently had its uses after all. He would have to thank Ririchiyo for signing him up for gym, though her purposes were entirely for health's sake.

"Why won't you listen to me? I told you to stay away!"

Renshou crouched over as he cautiously angled her chin to meet eye-to-eye. It was glistening moisture and blood shot, tear streaks staining her supple cheeks. Embarrassed, she turned away, biting on her lips to prevent the hiccups from sounding.

"You're crying."

"Shut up, moron. Leave me alone."

"Why are you crying?"

"It's none of your business!"

With a kick, Nobara sent him toppling onto his backside, the cup of coffee in his hand crashing along. The overturned drink strayed further and further away from its source, leaving a trail of brown on the hard wood floor. Renshou looked on with dismay, unhappy with the mess. He'd have to approach the transvestite maid later, and he really, really, _really_ , didn't want to do so.

"Look at what you've done."

"I told you to listen."

"I am listening!"

Renshou grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a quake close to being violent. Nonetheless, it worked, because Nobara stopped sobbing and sewed her mouth shut, attention undivided (Though not wholly – if she realized the position they were in, she would've gifted Renshou with another kick in the gut).

"I hear you crying, Nobara. I don't know who, or what, or why you're crying, but the fact that you're crying means that you need help. Desperately, so it seems, since you've resolved to hiding in that freaky-wide-eyed-maid's closet." He pulled her in for an embrace, gently stroking her hair with his free hand. "You called for help, so here I am, emergency services, ready for duty."

Nobara shoved him away, putting what little distance she can between them, "You're being corny. It's not my style."

"But...?"

"I'll talk to you."

"And I'll listen."

"You can't laugh."

"I promise."

Assured, Nobara started reciting that day's events from when she woke up earlier that morning until her hiding in the janitor's closet.

"Let me get this straight," Renshou inhaled deeply when she finished her recount. "You bonked your head on the headboard, slipped in the bathroom, tripped over the stairs, spilled coffee on Karuta-chan, had your clothes worn inside out, and accidentally whacked Zange because of a superstition?"

"No, silly," for a second there, Renshou thought Nobara regained her senses. "Slapping Zange in the face was on purpose, but in the process, I almost squashed Chino-tan in her minuscule form!"

Apparently not.

"And you're saying that all this happened because it's the fourth of April?"

"Didn't your mother ever teach you to stay away from bad numbers?"

"I'm afraid not. It was always 'don't go out at night' for me."

"Well, education differs depending on the individual."

"Yeah, but enough of that for now," Renshou shook his head, totally appalled by the ridiculous situation. "You weren't hiding from the other residents. Why were you hiding from me?"

"I'm not hiding."

He rolled his eyes at the blatant lie, "Explain our current situation, please."

"You found me in a closet hiding from you."

"Now, please explain the statement you just made."

Nobara glared at the persistent boy, "I can't. You're going to laugh at me."

"I didn't before."

"That was a completely different scenario."

"We'll never know until we try, right?"

"Impossible! The misfortune is contagious!"

Upon realizing her mistake, a heated blush crept up her cheeks. Her eyes began to wander, looking at everywhere but him.

"You were afraid of infecting me with a superstition?" Renshou asked slowly.

"So what if I am?" Nobara yelled louder than necessary.

Renshou erupted into a frenzy of laughter, clutching onto his tummy in pain.

"Seriously?!"

"You promised not to laugh!"

"Okay, okay! I get it." Renshou blocked off her angry fists, suppressing the laughter into an amused smile. "You're such a kid, Nobara-chan."

"I do the insults, not you."

"Yeah, you're absolutely right."

Nobara raised a brow quizzically, utterly confused, "What?"

"Keep insulting me, just like you always do."

"Are you crazy?"

"Maybe, though it's your fault for torturing me."

"What did I do?"

"That was exactly what I thought while I ran about this mansion frantically searching for you. What were you thinking? Disappearing without saying a word? I actually believed that I went overboard with yesterday and you decided to leave."

"It was for your own good."

"No," Renshou spoke sternly. "What's good for me is that the both of us continue to live on as usual; keep the insults rolling, keep trying to degrade me, continue with the violent assaults, continue to hate me, because that's how we are, and I want it no other way. It's going to take more than a stinking superstition to shoo me away."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Then," Nobara huffed. "I demand a cup of Americano this instant, slave! The one you brought has gone cold."

"Yes, ma'am!"

Renshou exited the janitor's closet almost immediately, dragging Nobara by the hand towards the dining hall. The latter felt as though her lips were going to crack from smiling too hard, an expression she hadn't felt for ages.

As she stumbled to keep up, Nobara admitted that it wasn't too bad of a sensation. As long as Sorinozuka Renshou was the one holding her hand, pulling her forward on this emotional roller coaster, she wouldn't mind it.

Not one bit.

Of course, if the douche was actually a girl, the experience would be more enjoyable, but for now, holding on to the asshole was more than she could ever ask for.


End file.
